There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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