I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
