What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Watching her eat just hurts me
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
