Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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