I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
