So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I checked into jail on foursquare
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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