Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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