Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
