i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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