Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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