I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
