Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
