question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
