i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
