Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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