I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
