He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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