we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize