Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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