Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
