I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
