please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
