Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
