fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
