I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
