I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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