I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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