Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
