my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
