I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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