By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
