Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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