Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
