I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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