my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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