i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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