i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize