Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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