I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
