It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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