Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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