What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
well, you know. whores of a feather.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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