I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
