haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
