If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
