so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
