textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
