It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
