he puts the penis in happiness.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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