im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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