i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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