seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You smell like stripper and shame
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
