I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
