Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
