There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
