I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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