You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
