The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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