My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
