Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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