a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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