1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
she smelled like a LAN party
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
