I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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