we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
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