All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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