My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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