I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
