the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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