Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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