You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
