It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
